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(no subject) [Feb. 21st, 2012|11:12 pm]
[Current Mood |amusedamused]

another day down in what is so called my life. DMA went really well. My kiddos got a ton of compliments. Then again my little Rub wasnt with me due to his med schedule. He gave Katy a run for her money around 10:30. She said you could tell they wore off when he started uncontrolably yelling and stomping his feet.

Last night I got another migraine. Meds were downstairs and all I had available was hydrocodone. I took 2. Figured if anything it would help put me back to sleep. sure did...2 am rolled around and i was happy as a clam again.

I wonder what my life will be like in a few months from now? Each month there is always a relapse.

I have this happy thought of a cute blonde picking me up on a badass bike, throwing me a helmet, and then passing my puppy that he has been holding in his jacket. a little scotish terrier. Hell screw the boy I could be happy with the bike and the terrier. or just the bike. lol I can see myself going for a ride... yeah...a ride. later folks.
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(no subject) [Feb. 20th, 2012|10:51 pm]
[Current Mood |amusedamused]

well things could be better.. then again they could be worse. lol

had 4 migraines this past weekend. Starting with one on friday. It made me cry in front of my kiddos and then I had to leave the room for about 30 min. I put my head down in a dark room until my meds kicked in and came back for them. lol they were AMAZINGLY well behaved the rest of the day. cute how they all whispered for me and kept giving me little feel better notes. <3

Fri night I got another and two more on Sat. Had to go to the doc on sat. Called susan to take me. Everyone else was out. Got a shot on my butt which didn't help but at least I got some more refills. Came out and 5 people were waiting for me. Made me feel really cared for <3

More friends came to check on me Sat night. I had to peace out early tho. Head hurt and I was loopy... Took an ambien to make me pass out and it was just what I needed.

Woke up Sunday with no headache! Lol nautious as fuck and light headed... which I still am at this moment but I'm grateful for no headache. To kind of say thank you to everyone, I made a badass breakfast! Ham and Egg cups with cheddar cheese and caramelized stuffed french toast.

Tomorrow is the DMA. Nothing worse than taking a bunch of wiggly screamers who can't sit on a carpet to a place FILLED with MILLION DOLLAR ITEMS!!!! Just makes me want to laugh at what idiot thought it was a good idea in the first place. "Now kids lets take a look at this item...what does it tell us... Nobody? Anybody? Hey don't touch that!" "OK on to the next piece" over and over until we get back on the bus. bwahahaha...

Man sitting here on lj makes me want a pet. old times. Im thinking a cat aaaannnnd a wiener dog annnd scotish terrier. Cats I love. The wiener dog is the iffy one... just takes me back to apner. but the scotish terrier must look like the one in lady and the tramp!!! Too freaking cool!!!

I'm so going back to Tyler just for one of those!
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years [Feb. 17th, 2012|11:41 pm]
[Current Mood |lonelylonely]

In the process of cleaning out crap and emptying moving boxes, I came across my old lj journals. Last entry 2006. How oddly the last post was exactly how I feel now. Made me realize I have not changed. Last time was my break up with Mel. This time Bryan. I can look back at pictures of her and I'm not angry anymore and I wonder if I should even bother being angry at Bryan. I do not speak to her so why is it so hard to let Bryan go. Had a ring from Mel and Bryan asked me to marry him. Both left me for another girl and both came back later. Mel at least only left me once. Bryan 4 times. With Mel, there was only the moment. With Bryan it was a future and a family. Mel just broke my heart. Bryan broke my heart and took my hopes and dreams.

Read a few of my old posts and realized how much I enjoyed lj. Not like the flashy show off need to be seen stuff with facebook but just me. One old post about my last cat gauge. One about the Dandy Warhols coming into town and having no one to go with.

Now 6 years later I have seen them and it will always be my favorite concert. Will I want to remember it and the boy standing to my right smiling at me in love? Do I like to think about Jamaica? I know I still miss my fat cat gauge who used to sit on my lap like a human and would watch me type. He would even put his paws by the key board. <3

Now I have lost my second cat. Lucian. It breaks my heart. Today it was in a dream. Came home from a hard day with a migraine, ate all kinds of left overs from the fridge, and passed out. He walked up to me and pushed me with his head wanting to be petted. I touched him and cried because I loved him and knew I couldn't save him. My dream flashed foward to him on the table crying as they put the needle into each of his legs trying to find a vein. I woke up to a loud sound and my tv had turned on by itself.

I have always been an only child. Dealing with my own problems and not needing anyone. It was easier when I had lucian. He would lay his head by mine and just stare in my eyes. I would tell him "its just you and me buddy...just you and me...

I have always been my own friend.... but these days I have never felt so lonely in my life.

People listen but they don't understand. I want to talk but it has all been said. Who cares to listen to the girl with the same problem? It gets old. It is easier to push them all away... then to have them listen, not understand, and eventually not care.

So here I am just lj and me. Goodnight lj... I will cry myself to sleep tonight...
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(no subject) [Nov. 21st, 2005|01:57 am]
my lj is now friends only thanks to my piece of shit stalker who still wont leave me alone. you bastard! i told you time and time again to leave me alone. im going to tell you again-LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!

by the way you were completely wrong on why i felt empty and rejected. for one: they were the same thing. two: as to why i felt this way, you were wrong. way wrong. i wasnt rejected- i just felt that way. your the only one who was rejected. im glad i rejected you. rejecting you was one of the smartest things i have ever done in my life.

meeting you has taught me that there are scary people out in the world that my mom warned me about.


got the picture this time. there is nothing between us. we never had a relationship. we had a peck b/c of beer. that was all! im the one who pulled away. i even apoligized! i was the bigger person and took the blame. i dont want a reply i dont want to hear your thoughts. i dont want to know that you exist. LEAVE ME ALONE.....!!!!!
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if i was selfish- id be gone [Oct. 9th, 2005|01:08 pm]
[Current Mood |mischievousmischievous]
[Current Music |deftones: my own summer]

last night i went drinking with marie. it was mainly just us cause everyone else left or fell asleep. i came home around two...bored out of my mind. i was so in the mood to create chaos-to dance on tables-to just drive away. i wanted to keep driving and not go home. its freddy's birthday today-maybe thats why i came home.

where would i go? would i go somewhere i know? to someone i know? or would i just leave? i questioned all this as i was in the parking lot-ready to unpark and go. i came very close last night. it felt so good...

at this moment i feel like getting into a good down to earth fight. bloody and bruised. the taste of blood from my swollen throbbing lip-something to put me back into place.

where is the mosh pit that is so good-its almost in slow motion? swirly beautiful chaos. you hit the floor and smile cause you know what is comming. get up and give it back.
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(no subject) [Oct. 8th, 2005|04:46 pm]
im pretty sure if things keep going the way they are-im going to fail lingustics. the class is ridiculous. i had the notes right in front of me. i answered the questions word for word and i only got 34 out of 64. ive never failed a class before. this is going to suck really bad.
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zombies....for real [Apr. 29th, 2005|01:17 am]
Cambodian Troops Quarantine Quan'sul

There has been a small outbreak of “zombism” in a small town near the border of Laos in North-Eastern Cambodia.

The culprit was discovered to be mosquitoes native to that region carrying a new strain of Malaria which thus far has a 100 percent mortality rate and kills victims in fewer than 2 days.

After death, this parasite is able to restart the heart of its victim for up to two hours after the initial demise of the person where the individual behaves in extremely violent ways from what is believed to be a combination of brain damage and a chemical released into blood during “resurrection.”

Cambodian officials say that the outbreak has been contained and the public has no need to worry.

General Ary Serey had this to say, "We have obtained samples of this new parasite and plan to learn how it starts the heart and other major organs of the deceased. We intend to use this to increase the quality of life for all."

US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice opposed the plan saying that the Cambodian government holds a great biological weapon and should destroy it immediately. Cambodian officials have yet to comment.

A United Nations team will be dispatched to Cambodia to confirm the safety of biological research in Cambodia.

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(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2005|11:41 am]
mel picked hollywood last night.
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whats the trick... [Nov. 1st, 2004|11:31 pm]
[Current Mood |chipperchipper]

had a great halloween weekend. it started on thurs...when ben and i and some others rented the grudge part one and two...the one in theaters is the remake of part one and a lil of part two. all three are made by the same japanese director...only part three has american actors. anyway part two is scary as hell. i still dont want to open my eyes or look in any type of corner, etc. i recomend renting part one and two just cause there are some characters which are explained better that way. i must also say that you have to read sub titles..but trust me this does not in any way at all take away from the scariness. i was holding a complete stranger, screaming, hiding underneath a blanket, while tears ran down my cheeks. no joke!

ok then friday we went and saw part three and SAW at the movie theater. it was ok. so saturday i was supposed to go to scream with mel but that fell through because annette and i really wanted pf changs and gas was also a factor. anyway pf changs was soooo good. well worth the hour and a half wait. sunday of course halloween. we went trick or treating. i was a pirate, annette was shrek, and her cousin was a beauty queen. we did well but we had to quit early b/c of the rain. so last night was spent trading candy...lol.

today wasnt so fun...i had two tests. at least they are over with.

i miss you all. i oddly enough cant wait to go home. oh yeah and on a side note. i vero signed me up to have sex with phil. she said i was going to, no backing out. haha i dunno bra!
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(no subject) [Oct. 22nd, 2004|06:00 pm]
yesterday was weird. sat outside and marie(vet) said she was going to bobby's to drink and invited mike and me along. we went and drank some vodka and watched badder santa. michael and james were drinking here at the dorm and called cause they wanted to come over...i finally got david to drive them. i really hope david isnt mad at me... he was designated driver. i had like five or six shots and two? beers. not too bad. we all came back to the dorm and chilled in and out of my room. all the guys came over to hang in my room...it was weird. finally everyone except travis and mike left so we started watching dead alive...but like 30min into it i was like ok i have to go to sleep cause i have work in the morning. i woke up still fucked up. went to work and they were like are you ok...so they were like go back to bed. i told them i had a migraine.... it was awesome. anyway i saw travis outside and i invited him to come watch the rest of the movie. it finished and we took a nap and then started watching wild things but he took off back to his room. I was looking foward to the bonfire tonight but it looks like it will be cancelled b/c of the rain.... :(
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